5 Tips for an STD Free Summer

Ah, summer. The birds are singing, the kids are playing, the animals are frolicking, and the itch is just starting to kick in full swing. Not the itch to get outdoors and enjoy the weather, but the itch from that last trip to Las Vegas. 

Don't be like young young Timmy and head out into the deep wide open unprepared. Plan ahead, be safe, and most important of all, keep your money in your sock and make that hooker keep clapping while you're in the bathroom (so she doesn't steal your money). Enough stalling, here are the tips:

1. Before your bedroom romp, go crabbing. Watch for those tiny critters jumping to and fro like a flea circus, then make like a leaf and get the f*ck out of there if you find any sign of them.
2. Triple up. Doubling up no longer cuts it.
3. Scratch that. Quadruple up. Syphilis cuts through latex like butter.
4. If there's a herpe on the lip, then don't unzip.
5. If you've got this far, then you probably shouldn't leave the house. Your too fargone to help.